Sexy and you know it all

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As you can tell I spend a lot of my spare time at the gym, reading about it or talking about it. One of my major issues at the gym (apart from the people that go!) is the personal trainers.

By personal trainers I do not mean all of them, under some catch all umbrella term, as some I know are very helpful and knowledgeable, but the ones at my gym seem to be from another planet. Planet Asshole. I really struggle with them and their attitudes.

They are all males at the gym and I have ended up having it out with one of the more cocky ones and his smart ass attitude to gym goers that they appear to me to be seen as a target “un-knowledgeable girls”. I am clearly seen as one of them as I am not toned (through choice and love of food) and I was the target on this occasion and unfortunately for him I was pumped up and ready for a ruck.

I have outlined the circumstances on this particular occasions for your reference! He asked me what I  was doing and when I said legs he asked what exercises I do for that – when I told him about the exercises he started shaking his head and patronising me like these PT’s seem to do.

Him – “Oh no, you don’t want to be doing that, those exercises are for bodybuilding, where did you get that from? That’s not right for you or for toning”

That got my back up… I was all HOLD UP!!! at this point. “Toning? You don’t know what my goal is! Bodybuilding is what I want to achieve!”

Him – “Well you won’t get lean that way – most women want to get lean and toned”

Me – “I’m not most women. I don’t understand how you can come to that assumption when you’ve never met or spoken to me before now. I’m more interested in increasing my BMR.”

Him – “Do you know really what BMR means?”

Me (dagger looks) – “Basal. Metabolic. Rate. Thank you. I want to increase my muscle mass, therefore increasing my BMR, leading me to be able to eat more. My goal is to be able to eat more food.”

Him – “Oh. Well you need to do more squats and less….”

At this point I walked away. I’m not 8, I’m not at school anymore, I’m not a naughty girl and I definitely don’t need to be belittled by anyone. Needless to say I’ve been ignored by him ever since but on the other hand none of them have tried to talk to me since.

Girl power!

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Why Can’t You Be Normal

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I’ve noticed a lot of my strange quirks as I am actually quite a quiet and reserved person. I clearly spend too much time analysing myself and everyone else – I’m not weird or a stalker though I promise…although I bet all the weird people or stalkers say that to begin with…

During one of my many “self-reviews” I often find myself cringing at what I did say/do or what didn’t say/do. I don’t think I used to be like this when I was younger but then at the same time I think I was. I’m very cautious of people which I maybe why I love animals so much. I’ll be ordering my crazy cat lady starter pack soon…

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I find I beat myself up (in my head), I’m very critical and worst of all I feel guilty about things that I did weeks/months.years ago and keep reliving them and feeling as bad as I did then. Why do I do this? Am I the only one that does?

Sometimes, when I’m forced into a social situation, I find myself checking the clock and disappearing to the toilet for long periods of times, longing for my partner (C) or my mum to give me a call so I can escape. I don’t know why – the people I go out with aren’t bad, or boring, or rude people I just feel like I’m way in the deep end.

Birthdays and Christmas have got to be two of the worst times for me. The guilt is awful, I wish people would not get me gifts just because I feel bad, for reasons unknown, and I know that even if I don’t like it I will have to lie to them and “be grateful”. I feel so guilt-ridden but I don;t know anyone else like this. Does anyone else get these feelings?

I recently got a Meditation CD and listen to it as I drift off to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything as I drift off – this is my worst time in terms of guilty or embarrassing “flashbacks”.

Does anyone else feels this way? How do you deal with these feelings?

 

Please go…everyone else said you would

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When I heard all the great “press” about how you could rid yourself of such awful feelings and thoughts and even “blow away the cobwebs” by going to the gym – I signed up. I am due to contact Trading Standards for mis-selling on a huge scale.

I feel just as negative and sarcastic as I always had, just a little bit (physically stronger) which may be handy if I ever need to calf press my way out of somewhere! Every one bangs on about how great and positive they feel focused. I, on the other hand, leave the gym tired, shaking, sweaty and dying for food. That to me does not sound positive and care-free but more like the whole birthing process – minus the pain relieving drugs, of course.

Am I missing something? Did I forget to take a compulsory happy pill in the changing room? Am I exercising wrong?

I cycle away for 20 minutes while having my ear drums blasted, after about 100 calories or 20 minutes – maybe then to “spice up” cardio I’ll do a little treadmill power walking or the stepper just so I can justify all the junk food I eat at every given opportunity. Then on with the weights. Legs, shoulders or arms? Maybe a little chest or a few crunches? I do go hard on the weights but while I’m pedaling/stepping/walking or taking a break in between sets all my problems are still there – looming and generally pee-ing me off. I was told that they would go away – I want my money back.

The weight increases and the reps go up sometimes but my poxy car loan is still there while I’m pulling stupid strain faces at the poor innocent man doing the shoulder press and we end up making uncomfortable eye contact. He’s not going to be scared of my face and offer to pay off my credit card if I promise never to pull that face again – or at least it hasn’t happened yet.

I would rather buy a lottery ticket and lay in bed that night dreaming on all the stuff I can pay off when I find out I’ve won the next day. Is it just my grumpy mindset? How do you see/feel the positive in the gym or exercise? At least I’d be financially better off if I cancelled my membership – might get myself another couple of lottery tickets…

Living

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So I was in bed before 9pm tonight as a reward to myself for doing something…I’m just not sure what yet. As I was taking off my make up I was thinking about the delights of finances. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. The more my partner and I earn the more broke we seem to be. I started questioning any reckless spending but I hate to admit to it- even to myself. What is it about money that makes everything so much more upsetting and embarrassing. We both work really hard but I don’t feel that there is such a thing as value for money anymore. I don’t feel I ever get a real and genuine bargain. I got some cereal the other day for my daughter and brother. It was 2 packs for £4…that’s hardly an offer…it’s bloody cereal and the packs weren’t even that generous. O begrudgingly paid for it at the till wondering if I had done the right thing. These thoughts of money bring me on to a more sensitive and controversial topic on benefits. Benefits in the UK are interesting and I don’t really understand the ind and outs of them as much as I try. I feel threatened by them and I have neverly relied on them either. I see positive in some of the changes that are due to come into force soon but I am also quite worried about them too. Benefits should be a last resort but I don’t feel that they are. Given my experience in work benefit claiming id classed as a full time job and hobby to some families and it’s a real shame- those who either do deserve it or have an unfortunate set if circumstances forced on them. The disability side of things really gets to me too…there are so many claims by people with disabilities who are not working and I don’t understand why. There is a job out there for almost everyone and sone times it’s about finding what’s right for you and work can be incredibly rewarding. People use their disability as an excuse and it gives baf press to others out there working or really suffering and experiencing serious difficulties. I was left speechless at the upset, unemployed people made to work for their benefits. I’m sure pound shops are degrading but hey it’s the least they can do. A bit of community work wouldn’t harm them at all and I don’t feel it’s an unreasonable request in general practice although it may need some further tweaking. There was a young female on the news who declared herself a dingle mother to two children and her actual words were “I didn’t choose this life”…I was a young single mother and I worked until a month before my daughter was due and put her in nursery and went back to work when she was 4 months old! How did that other mother “not choose” did she wake up one morning sacked and with two small children abandonded and chained to her?! She also called the work slave labour…clearly she has never held down 3 jobs at once; none of which particularly well paid! I’m pretty open to discussion on topics and maybe my thoughts are often a little out of line and controversial but I’ll always listen to the other side even if I don’t agree because there is often valid points I miss. I just feel strongly about my pride and hard work and despise the punishment most worker have to be pushed to dish out more and more, and that’s just to travel to work and back!

Mustn’t Move

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So I rent out some rooms in the house I live in. I like to tell myself it’s great and it helps out with the bills and everything but actually I don’t know that it is that great.

One in particular cooks a lot, makes most of his food from scratch. He’s intelligent and speaks posh and I never know what he thinks or where I stand with him. However, as a result of his incessant cooking he really pisses me off. It makes me feel like it’s his kitchen so I feel an inconvenience in my own kitchen. I sit on the sofa listening to him cook with every known electric implement in use sucking into my bank account and pissing me off.

I feel like I can’t go in there or do what I want in the utility or dining room because he’s cooking. I get feelings that he might be watching and judging whatever the hell it is I want to do. As such I’ve had the same microwaveable korma two nights in a row and sat eating it in the lounge out of his sight.

What’s that all about! Posh twat! It’s incredibly frustrating feeling helpless and unable to roam free in my own house. He’s so damn noisy too I have to keep turning the TV up to listen to whatever shite it is I have on. I want to shut the doors on him or tell him to STFU!

Incredibly what irritates me most is all the lights and appliances left on putting more and more money into the electricity company’s pocket.

The doors in my house are like fire doors and close unless wedged open. The chef mentioned above seems to have satisfaction in leaving them to close on their own. That slamming noise that he makes behind himself makes me want to kick the door in.

Why do people have to make so much noise? There is not much else in this world that I love more than silence. I feel like I can breathe when there is silence. I feel like there is no conflicts (like if you have your phone ringing, radio playing and TV on all ay once) kind of conflict. Silence is a beautiful thing – dangerous too though as my thoughts aren’t always safe either.