Do I want to stay faithful?

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I’ve been at my current gym for almost two years now and our relationship is very up and down – probably due to my moods and dependent on what and how much pre-workout I’ve had. We’ve had some good times, success stories and a lot of personal bests but there is also some ongoing bad habits which make me feel it’s time to move on as I just can’ get over them and it puts a strain on our relationship.

It’s a clean gym with shiny equipment and lots to choose from but I wish it was better maintained (the equipment) – they don’t lube up the weight/resistance machines so there’s often friction and this increases resistance and makes it bounce and the weight fall down slowly. When I’m already beast mode, I can feel my skin going green when this happens and can feel twinges of me going hulk smash on the equipment as I’m already pumped up on pre-workout. All I want to do it my rope attachment tricep extensions, FFS! To be fair, I’m not hench by any stretch of the imagination but that is a work in progress.

Another big issue in our relationship is the fact the gym appears to have a sufficient air conditioning system but the PT’s feel it is obviously a better idea to open the doors downstairs which is great if you can grab one of the 5 treadmills right in front of the open door but as a result makes me bake upstairs where there is no air supply. There I am, kicking some ass on the bike upstairs, burning guilty calories from the cheesey marmite toast I had – at the same time melting away from lack of air conditioning. All the little fans on each CV machine have been broken and as a result just flop down and blow air on the floor, this is a frustration within itself.

The other day, I actually gave up after 10 mins. In a huff I got off the machine and went home having done nothing but 10 mins cycling and still pumped from pre-workout I just sat at home, fidgeting and eating!

On the other hand, it’s a 24 hr gym with a huge free car park and huge equipment and weight area. It’s a good price at less than £20 pcm and as I can’t swim I’m glad I don’t have to pay for a pool I’ll never use.

I do hold a high degree of disgust for the other members I have to share with who don’t understand the concept of the sweat towel policy but I’m guessing that it a international dilemma and not limited as a hate campaign against me singularly but I struggle to cope and keep sane after having to experience the warmth and sweat still visible when I go to use a machine after someone else and the debate over whether to use my own towel to mop up their “leavings” or whether to use something else without making a smart assed remark as I walk past.

I checking out my options and testing out other before I move on to make sure I’m making to right decision. Sounds like it might be time to move on…sorry babe, I think it’s over.

Welcome to Reality

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I’ll keep this brief as it is quite personal to me, and still I feel an embarrassment to myself. Unfortunately, due to my nature I’m easily embarrassed and really quite critical of myself but this I feel is something I cannot be alone in feeling.

One evening I’d decided to make an effort in my appearance given I had (for once) been given the time! I de-haired myself, sorted out my hair and make up and put on my nice undies and shoes. I have a lovely wardrobe area off my bedroom which has full length mirrors and I thought I’d try and take some photos of myself as I can take as many as I want – I hate having my photo taken and even more so people taking photos of me.

I took photos at various angles thinking that some must be flattering enough to at least send to my long term fiance, he might even be surprised as this is so not me.

All I can say next is – OH MY GOD! I looked huge! I’m not huge, I know that and I can confirm that I do not do fad diets or anything silly either, I actually don’t really mind my size (only my distinct lack of boobs!) – I look pretty good in clothes. I was actually embarrassed and speechless by what was on my phone screen. Now I know why Page 3 models are so tiny – I would never show those photo’s to another living soul. I’ve kept them – not sure why –  and I look at them occasionally now and feel just as awful as I did that first time I looked at them again.

Safe to say these will firmly stay a secret with me for a long time! Am I alone in this experience – I hope not!

Why Can’t You Be Normal

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I’ve noticed a lot of my strange quirks as I am actually quite a quiet and reserved person. I clearly spend too much time analysing myself and everyone else – I’m not weird or a stalker though I promise…although I bet all the weird people or stalkers say that to begin with…

During one of my many “self-reviews” I often find myself cringing at what I did say/do or what didn’t say/do. I don’t think I used to be like this when I was younger but then at the same time I think I was. I’m very cautious of people which I maybe why I love animals so much. I’ll be ordering my crazy cat lady starter pack soon…

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I find I beat myself up (in my head), I’m very critical and worst of all I feel guilty about things that I did weeks/months.years ago and keep reliving them and feeling as bad as I did then. Why do I do this? Am I the only one that does?

Sometimes, when I’m forced into a social situation, I find myself checking the clock and disappearing to the toilet for long periods of times, longing for my partner (C) or my mum to give me a call so I can escape. I don’t know why – the people I go out with aren’t bad, or boring, or rude people I just feel like I’m way in the deep end.

Birthdays and Christmas have got to be two of the worst times for me. The guilt is awful, I wish people would not get me gifts just because I feel bad, for reasons unknown, and I know that even if I don’t like it I will have to lie to them and “be grateful”. I feel so guilt-ridden but I don;t know anyone else like this. Does anyone else get these feelings?

I recently got a Meditation CD and listen to it as I drift off to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything as I drift off – this is my worst time in terms of guilty or embarrassing “flashbacks”.

Does anyone else feels this way? How do you deal with these feelings?

 

Please go…everyone else said you would

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When I heard all the great “press” about how you could rid yourself of such awful feelings and thoughts and even “blow away the cobwebs” by going to the gym – I signed up. I am due to contact Trading Standards for mis-selling on a huge scale.

I feel just as negative and sarcastic as I always had, just a little bit (physically stronger) which may be handy if I ever need to calf press my way out of somewhere! Every one bangs on about how great and positive they feel focused. I, on the other hand, leave the gym tired, shaking, sweaty and dying for food. That to me does not sound positive and care-free but more like the whole birthing process – minus the pain relieving drugs, of course.

Am I missing something? Did I forget to take a compulsory happy pill in the changing room? Am I exercising wrong?

I cycle away for 20 minutes while having my ear drums blasted, after about 100 calories or 20 minutes – maybe then to “spice up” cardio I’ll do a little treadmill power walking or the stepper just so I can justify all the junk food I eat at every given opportunity. Then on with the weights. Legs, shoulders or arms? Maybe a little chest or a few crunches? I do go hard on the weights but while I’m pedaling/stepping/walking or taking a break in between sets all my problems are still there – looming and generally pee-ing me off. I was told that they would go away – I want my money back.

The weight increases and the reps go up sometimes but my poxy car loan is still there while I’m pulling stupid strain faces at the poor innocent man doing the shoulder press and we end up making uncomfortable eye contact. He’s not going to be scared of my face and offer to pay off my credit card if I promise never to pull that face again – or at least it hasn’t happened yet.

I would rather buy a lottery ticket and lay in bed that night dreaming on all the stuff I can pay off when I find out I’ve won the next day. Is it just my grumpy mindset? How do you see/feel the positive in the gym or exercise? At least I’d be financially better off if I cancelled my membership – might get myself another couple of lottery tickets…

Dear 2014…

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It’s time for everyone to forcefully think of at least one new years resolution giving none or one may result in disappointment by others and it placates people for them to say “oooh I wonder how long that will last…” – while I quietly think that it is just as well my resolution is not to stop being sarcastic because I’d be breaking that bad boy right now…

I must admit that I a real swearer, really quite appalling at times, but it makes me feel good and that is one thing that I will never willingly “promise” to stop. Sometimes I can’t make it out my room in the morning without muttering something highly inappropriate and thinking I’ll try again tomorrow…

I have been thinking of what I would like to do next year (not what I will do) and it’ll be a surprise for me if I am able to gratify any of them. I have managed to compulsively give up smoking and drinking (at separate times) with no real reason that I know of and also I go to the gym a lot which was also not a fazed or hyped up new years promise. I pretty proud of those random accomplishments although struggle to see results as a result of any one them but maybe that’s my personality and mind more than anything as I’m pretty kick ass now with the weights section!

1) Read a different book each month – I’m pretty up for this one. I like reading but often go through phases of power reading then I’m burnt out and cant bear a book for months on end. I only read non-fiction and some of the stuff I read is pretty deep and emotionally consuming. I haven’t read for months as the most recent book I read was may a little too depressing and got me feeling kind of down which sucks really. I still haven;t finished it and can;t really bare the thought of doing so but my mind says finish what you started and maybe that’s why my Kindle looks at me with puppy dog eyes every night. I struggle finding things to read too as I need to be sold it within the first few lines of the back of the book otherwise it’s cut and I’m moving on to the next book. I think I’ll put that in the “we’ll see” drawer in my head and maybe bank that another day…

2) Download (and use) one of those app’s and record my incomes/outgoings – I am a fraudsters dream – only completing my online banking to make my bills and trying my hardest not to look at or take in my balance. I have some nice things to show for my sad balance but in retrospect I think I like the balance more… I’ve looked at these apps and in principle they sound easy, great and clear. I’m sure after a couple of days I’ll start “saving” up receipts to “input” at the weekend, even that pack of chewing gum or can of Red Bull. All of those receipts will lead to an angry partner (C) who despises receipts and this will result in a receipt cull and me uninstalling the app without a second thought and I’ll still be none the wiser as to where my money has gone…but I’m sure it will have been on something great like hairbands because I left mine at home or some socks that I didn’t need but my gym clothes and socks don’t match.

3) Download (and use) an app for tracking gym progress and food intake – I’m already part on this one. Earlier in the year I was using Fitocracy every time and it was pretty addictive. Then I was ill and had to stop the gym for a while and I kind of felt a bit put off going back on as I had been bigging up with other members my gym love and loyalty. I’m sure they won’t judge me but as I write this I still haven’t been back on despite doing some new personal records recently (with the help of pre-work out). I have, however, been using MyFitnessPal which is an excellent diet/food and exercise app. It’s easy clear and does what it should do without me wanting to cry and uninstall in the haste of an emotional turmoil after deleting a days work! I guess I shouldn’t have started until January 2014 but I guess I can just keep these few days before a secret – I’d hate people to think I’ve cheated my way out of a resolution. I don;t think it is unrealistic of me to get back on these apps as I’m half doing it and I’ve done the other half before!

4) Photograph my body at the three main angles (front, side & back) every fortnight – this is not for some weird sexual desire (at this point) but as I briefly mentioned above I work my ass on in the gym and I just can’t see the results on myself. Despite people positively commenting and the weight going up. I want to kind of be able to do those cheesey “before & after” pictures but mine are through my solid gym determination and not some new diet pill for “red apple” or “purple banana”. I don’t know what I want to achieve from going to the gym. Maybe that was a lie, I want to eat as much as I can (especially cheese) and have an amazing arse! I don’t want a six pack which is just as well as I am more likely to grow testicles than I am to diet! This is something I feel is sustainable as long as C is happy to do the pictures as I cringe at the thought of those “selfie” style shots.

5) Take a photo every day – not an inane one of what glasses I am wearing or what colour bra I have on but one that sums up something good from that day. I like this idea but when I’m grumpy I’m just too stubborn to not be grumpy all that day which may secretly and unknowingly ruin this for me. I also don;t know where I’ll store them or post them. I could try Tumblr again but I would rather use that account for my strange love of manly men, feminine females, abandoned buildings, tattoos and bunny rabbits – don’t judge me – I’m just appreciating what nature gives us. May be this one needs more thought but in principal would sound like a great resolution.

My closing question is what would you like to say you 2014 resolution(s) is/are and also use evidence to justify why you’ll bank it for next year…?

Miscommunication

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This isn’t usually a problem I encounter but today I was left speechless by my partner (C) and it made me reflect back on a previous time (maybe less than a year ago) where I was equally surprised – although at that time I believed maybe I was a little daft.

There is a man – well lots, but one in particular who I’ll refer to as H – at the gym both C and I go to. I have spoken to him a 5/6 times before and C is fully aware of this. At first C was saying he was OK etc and the comments have begun to get slightly more negative each time I have mentioned H. I won’t say I am overly positive/enthusiastic about him and I don’t mention him at an inappropriate/insensitive time.

Anyway, H was at the gym and as usual we ended up talking – I would like to add we only ever really talk about fitness – and he came back over to me at the end of his workout and gave me his number saying that if I ever want to go training with someone just to let him know and if he’s free he’ll come along too. I thought nothing of it other than as a kind gesture as we both do similar exercises but H is more knowledgeable and experienced than me!

I left the number on the side when I got home thinking nothing of it really and I would never hide anything from C anyway. C obviously saw the name and number later on and made some remark about the fact I had his number which I said was true he had given it to me earlier. I chucked it away not long after that chat while clearing up before bed.

Today was maybe a bad day for C as he was maybe tired and a little under the weather but was clearly not happy about H giving me his number calling him something, well, unmentionable on here – despite it being one of my favorite words – and asking how I had managed to obtain his number. I responded politely as usual about the whole “if I need anyone to train with”…clearly unhappy C then disappeared back away from me.

I’ve heard nothing more on the subject regarding H and we have seen and eaten together since – I just find it quite bizarre. After he disappeared I did, however, remember a previous occasion. This was when a male, I’ll call T, contacted me asking if I wanted to go to some woods to take some pictures. It sounds dodgy but I really enjoy taking woodland/nature/abandoned building pictures and he does too. I often plaster them all over my sites so T would be aware of this. When I told C about this he felt that B clearly was interested in something further than just taking photos so sadly for B I never responded.

I don’t “flaunt” myself about, I’m pretty reserved, quiet and try to stay invisible so I can’t imagine that I give these men “the wrong idea” and on the same hand they are both aware I am with C (happily) and make no suggestions otherwise. I would never, on the same hand, “rub it in” to C about these offers by T or H. I don’t get it – am I naive? Is C just reading too much into things? Neither of us are particularly jealous but his behaviour does not seem how it would usually be…

Living

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So I was in bed before 9pm tonight as a reward to myself for doing something…I’m just not sure what yet. As I was taking off my make up I was thinking about the delights of finances. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. The more my partner and I earn the more broke we seem to be. I started questioning any reckless spending but I hate to admit to it- even to myself. What is it about money that makes everything so much more upsetting and embarrassing. We both work really hard but I don’t feel that there is such a thing as value for money anymore. I don’t feel I ever get a real and genuine bargain. I got some cereal the other day for my daughter and brother. It was 2 packs for £4…that’s hardly an offer…it’s bloody cereal and the packs weren’t even that generous. O begrudgingly paid for it at the till wondering if I had done the right thing. These thoughts of money bring me on to a more sensitive and controversial topic on benefits. Benefits in the UK are interesting and I don’t really understand the ind and outs of them as much as I try. I feel threatened by them and I have neverly relied on them either. I see positive in some of the changes that are due to come into force soon but I am also quite worried about them too. Benefits should be a last resort but I don’t feel that they are. Given my experience in work benefit claiming id classed as a full time job and hobby to some families and it’s a real shame- those who either do deserve it or have an unfortunate set if circumstances forced on them. The disability side of things really gets to me too…there are so many claims by people with disabilities who are not working and I don’t understand why. There is a job out there for almost everyone and sone times it’s about finding what’s right for you and work can be incredibly rewarding. People use their disability as an excuse and it gives baf press to others out there working or really suffering and experiencing serious difficulties. I was left speechless at the upset, unemployed people made to work for their benefits. I’m sure pound shops are degrading but hey it’s the least they can do. A bit of community work wouldn’t harm them at all and I don’t feel it’s an unreasonable request in general practice although it may need some further tweaking. There was a young female on the news who declared herself a dingle mother to two children and her actual words were “I didn’t choose this life”…I was a young single mother and I worked until a month before my daughter was due and put her in nursery and went back to work when she was 4 months old! How did that other mother “not choose” did she wake up one morning sacked and with two small children abandonded and chained to her?! She also called the work slave labour…clearly she has never held down 3 jobs at once; none of which particularly well paid! I’m pretty open to discussion on topics and maybe my thoughts are often a little out of line and controversial but I’ll always listen to the other side even if I don’t agree because there is often valid points I miss. I just feel strongly about my pride and hard work and despise the punishment most worker have to be pushed to dish out more and more, and that’s just to travel to work and back!