Sexy and you know it all

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As you can tell I spend a lot of my spare time at the gym, reading about it or talking about it. One of my major issues at the gym (apart from the people that go!) is the personal trainers.

By personal trainers I do not mean all of them, under some catch all umbrella term, as some I know are very helpful and knowledgeable, but the ones at my gym seem to be from another planet. Planet Asshole. I really struggle with them and their attitudes.

They are all males at the gym and I have ended up having it out with one of the more cocky ones and his smart ass attitude to gym goers that they appear to me to be seen as a target “un-knowledgeable girls”. I am clearly seen as one of them as I am not toned (through choice and love of food) and I was the target on this occasion and unfortunately for him I was pumped up and ready for a ruck.

I have outlined the circumstances on this particular occasions for your reference! He asked me what I  was doing and when I said legs he asked what exercises I do for that – when I told him about the exercises he started shaking his head and patronising me like these PT’s seem to do.

Him – “Oh no, you don’t want to be doing that, those exercises are for bodybuilding, where did you get that from? That’s not right for you or for toning”

That got my back up… I was all HOLD UP!!! at this point. “Toning? You don’t know what my goal is! Bodybuilding is what I want to achieve!”

Him – “Well you won’t get lean that way – most women want to get lean and toned”

Me – “I’m not most women. I don’t understand how you can come to that assumption when you’ve never met or spoken to me before now. I’m more interested in increasing my BMR.”

Him – “Do you know really what BMR means?”

Me (dagger looks) – “Basal. Metabolic. Rate. Thank you. I want to increase my muscle mass, therefore increasing my BMR, leading me to be able to eat more. My goal is to be able to eat more food.”

Him – “Oh. Well you need to do more squats and less….”

At this point I walked away. I’m not 8, I’m not at school anymore, I’m not a naughty girl and I definitely don’t need to be belittled by anyone. Needless to say I’ve been ignored by him ever since but on the other hand none of them have tried to talk to me since.

Girl power!

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Welcome to Reality

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I’ll keep this brief as it is quite personal to me, and still I feel an embarrassment to myself. Unfortunately, due to my nature I’m easily embarrassed and really quite critical of myself but this I feel is something I cannot be alone in feeling.

One evening I’d decided to make an effort in my appearance given I had (for once) been given the time! I de-haired myself, sorted out my hair and make up and put on my nice undies and shoes. I have a lovely wardrobe area off my bedroom which has full length mirrors and I thought I’d try and take some photos of myself as I can take as many as I want – I hate having my photo taken and even more so people taking photos of me.

I took photos at various angles thinking that some must be flattering enough to at least send to my long term fiance, he might even be surprised as this is so not me.

All I can say next is – OH MY GOD! I looked huge! I’m not huge, I know that and I can confirm that I do not do fad diets or anything silly either, I actually don’t really mind my size (only my distinct lack of boobs!) – I look pretty good in clothes. I was actually embarrassed and speechless by what was on my phone screen. Now I know why Page 3 models are so tiny – I would never show those photo’s to another living soul. I’ve kept them – not sure why –  and I look at them occasionally now and feel just as awful as I did that first time I looked at them again.

Safe to say these will firmly stay a secret with me for a long time! Am I alone in this experience – I hope not!

Dear 2014…

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It’s time for everyone to forcefully think of at least one new years resolution giving none or one may result in disappointment by others and it placates people for them to say “oooh I wonder how long that will last…” – while I quietly think that it is just as well my resolution is not to stop being sarcastic because I’d be breaking that bad boy right now…

I must admit that I a real swearer, really quite appalling at times, but it makes me feel good and that is one thing that I will never willingly “promise” to stop. Sometimes I can’t make it out my room in the morning without muttering something highly inappropriate and thinking I’ll try again tomorrow…

I have been thinking of what I would like to do next year (not what I will do) and it’ll be a surprise for me if I am able to gratify any of them. I have managed to compulsively give up smoking and drinking (at separate times) with no real reason that I know of and also I go to the gym a lot which was also not a fazed or hyped up new years promise. I pretty proud of those random accomplishments although struggle to see results as a result of any one them but maybe that’s my personality and mind more than anything as I’m pretty kick ass now with the weights section!

1) Read a different book each month – I’m pretty up for this one. I like reading but often go through phases of power reading then I’m burnt out and cant bear a book for months on end. I only read non-fiction and some of the stuff I read is pretty deep and emotionally consuming. I haven’t read for months as the most recent book I read was may a little too depressing and got me feeling kind of down which sucks really. I still haven;t finished it and can;t really bare the thought of doing so but my mind says finish what you started and maybe that’s why my Kindle looks at me with puppy dog eyes every night. I struggle finding things to read too as I need to be sold it within the first few lines of the back of the book otherwise it’s cut and I’m moving on to the next book. I think I’ll put that in the “we’ll see” drawer in my head and maybe bank that another day…

2) Download (and use) one of those app’s and record my incomes/outgoings – I am a fraudsters dream – only completing my online banking to make my bills and trying my hardest not to look at or take in my balance. I have some nice things to show for my sad balance but in retrospect I think I like the balance more… I’ve looked at these apps and in principle they sound easy, great and clear. I’m sure after a couple of days I’ll start “saving” up receipts to “input” at the weekend, even that pack of chewing gum or can of Red Bull. All of those receipts will lead to an angry partner (C) who despises receipts and this will result in a receipt cull and me uninstalling the app without a second thought and I’ll still be none the wiser as to where my money has gone…but I’m sure it will have been on something great like hairbands because I left mine at home or some socks that I didn’t need but my gym clothes and socks don’t match.

3) Download (and use) an app for tracking gym progress and food intake – I’m already part on this one. Earlier in the year I was using Fitocracy every time and it was pretty addictive. Then I was ill and had to stop the gym for a while and I kind of felt a bit put off going back on as I had been bigging up with other members my gym love and loyalty. I’m sure they won’t judge me but as I write this I still haven’t been back on despite doing some new personal records recently (with the help of pre-work out). I have, however, been using MyFitnessPal which is an excellent diet/food and exercise app. It’s easy clear and does what it should do without me wanting to cry and uninstall in the haste of an emotional turmoil after deleting a days work! I guess I shouldn’t have started until January 2014 but I guess I can just keep these few days before a secret – I’d hate people to think I’ve cheated my way out of a resolution. I don;t think it is unrealistic of me to get back on these apps as I’m half doing it and I’ve done the other half before!

4) Photograph my body at the three main angles (front, side & back) every fortnight – this is not for some weird sexual desire (at this point) but as I briefly mentioned above I work my ass on in the gym and I just can’t see the results on myself. Despite people positively commenting and the weight going up. I want to kind of be able to do those cheesey “before & after” pictures but mine are through my solid gym determination and not some new diet pill for “red apple” or “purple banana”. I don’t know what I want to achieve from going to the gym. Maybe that was a lie, I want to eat as much as I can (especially cheese) and have an amazing arse! I don’t want a six pack which is just as well as I am more likely to grow testicles than I am to diet! This is something I feel is sustainable as long as C is happy to do the pictures as I cringe at the thought of those “selfie” style shots.

5) Take a photo every day – not an inane one of what glasses I am wearing or what colour bra I have on but one that sums up something good from that day. I like this idea but when I’m grumpy I’m just too stubborn to not be grumpy all that day which may secretly and unknowingly ruin this for me. I also don;t know where I’ll store them or post them. I could try Tumblr again but I would rather use that account for my strange love of manly men, feminine females, abandoned buildings, tattoos and bunny rabbits – don’t judge me – I’m just appreciating what nature gives us. May be this one needs more thought but in principal would sound like a great resolution.

My closing question is what would you like to say you 2014 resolution(s) is/are and also use evidence to justify why you’ll bank it for next year…?

What’s it all about? Confession time

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I’ve started this blog to explore me, my mind and my emotions.

I don’t understand me or my feelings and I am very reserved when it comes to my head.

I don’t really think my thoughts are normal and worry about judgement but here can be a safe sanctuary for me.

I am really interested in mental health so I closely read and probably over analyse myself too.

This is for exploration and out of interest due to my incredibly poor memory this can help remind me!