Why Can’t You Be Normal

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I’ve noticed a lot of my strange quirks as I am actually quite a quiet and reserved person. I clearly spend too much time analysing myself and everyone else – I’m not weird or a stalker though I promise…although I bet all the weird people or stalkers say that to begin with…

During one of my many “self-reviews” I often find myself cringing at what I did say/do or what didn’t say/do. I don’t think I used to be like this when I was younger but then at the same time I think I was. I’m very cautious of people which I maybe why I love animals so much. I’ll be ordering my crazy cat lady starter pack soon…

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I find I beat myself up (in my head), I’m very critical and worst of all I feel guilty about things that I did weeks/months.years ago and keep reliving them and feeling as bad as I did then. Why do I do this? Am I the only one that does?

Sometimes, when I’m forced into a social situation, I find myself checking the clock and disappearing to the toilet for long periods of times, longing for my partner (C) or my mum to give me a call so I can escape. I don’t know why – the people I go out with aren’t bad, or boring, or rude people I just feel like I’m way in the deep end.

Birthdays and Christmas have got to be two of the worst times for me. The guilt is awful, I wish people would not get me gifts just because I feel bad, for reasons unknown, and I know that even if I don’t like it I will have to lie to them and “be grateful”. I feel so guilt-ridden but I don;t know anyone else like this. Does anyone else get these feelings?

I recently got a Meditation CD and listen to it as I drift off to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything as I drift off – this is my worst time in terms of guilty or embarrassing “flashbacks”.

Does anyone else feels this way? How do you deal with these feelings?

 

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Miscommunication

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This isn’t usually a problem I encounter but today I was left speechless by my partner (C) and it made me reflect back on a previous time (maybe less than a year ago) where I was equally surprised – although at that time I believed maybe I was a little daft.

There is a man – well lots, but one in particular who I’ll refer to as H – at the gym both C and I go to. I have spoken to him a 5/6 times before and C is fully aware of this. At first C was saying he was OK etc and the comments have begun to get slightly more negative each time I have mentioned H. I won’t say I am overly positive/enthusiastic about him and I don’t mention him at an inappropriate/insensitive time.

Anyway, H was at the gym and as usual we ended up talking – I would like to add we only ever really talk about fitness – and he came back over to me at the end of his workout and gave me his number saying that if I ever want to go training with someone just to let him know and if he’s free he’ll come along too. I thought nothing of it other than as a kind gesture as we both do similar exercises but H is more knowledgeable and experienced than me!

I left the number on the side when I got home thinking nothing of it really and I would never hide anything from C anyway. C obviously saw the name and number later on and made some remark about the fact I had his number which I said was true he had given it to me earlier. I chucked it away not long after that chat while clearing up before bed.

Today was maybe a bad day for C as he was maybe tired and a little under the weather but was clearly not happy about H giving me his number calling him something, well, unmentionable on here – despite it being one of my favorite words – and asking how I had managed to obtain his number. I responded politely as usual about the whole “if I need anyone to train with”…clearly unhappy C then disappeared back away from me.

I’ve heard nothing more on the subject regarding H and we have seen and eaten together since – I just find it quite bizarre. After he disappeared I did, however, remember a previous occasion. This was when a male, I’ll call T, contacted me asking if I wanted to go to some woods to take some pictures. It sounds dodgy but I really enjoy taking woodland/nature/abandoned building pictures and he does too. I often plaster them all over my sites so T would be aware of this. When I told C about this he felt that B clearly was interested in something further than just taking photos so sadly for B I never responded.

I don’t “flaunt” myself about, I’m pretty reserved, quiet and try to stay invisible so I can’t imagine that I give these men “the wrong idea” and on the same hand they are both aware I am with C (happily) and make no suggestions otherwise. I would never, on the same hand, “rub it in” to C about these offers by T or H. I don’t get it – am I naive? Is C just reading too much into things? Neither of us are particularly jealous but his behaviour does not seem how it would usually be…