Welcome to Reality

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I’ll keep this brief as it is quite personal to me, and still I feel an embarrassment to myself. Unfortunately, due to my nature I’m easily embarrassed and really quite critical of myself but this I feel is something I cannot be alone in feeling.

One evening I’d decided to make an effort in my appearance given I had (for once) been given the time! I de-haired myself, sorted out my hair and make up and put on my nice undies and shoes. I have a lovely wardrobe area off my bedroom which has full length mirrors and I thought I’d try and take some photos of myself as I can take as many as I want – I hate having my photo taken and even more so people taking photos of me.

I took photos at various angles thinking that some must be flattering enough to at least send to my long term fiance, he might even be surprised as this is so not me.

All I can say next is – OH MY GOD! I looked huge! I’m not huge, I know that and I can confirm that I do not do fad diets or anything silly either, I actually don’t really mind my size (only my distinct lack of boobs!) – I look pretty good in clothes. I was actually embarrassed and speechless by what was on my phone screen. Now I know why Page 3 models are so tiny – I would never show those photo’s to another living soul. I’ve kept them – not sure why – ¬†and I look at them occasionally now and feel just as awful as I did that first time I looked at them again.

Safe to say these will firmly stay a secret with me for a long time! Am I alone in this experience – I hope not!

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Miscommunication

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This isn’t usually a problem I encounter but today I was left speechless by my partner (C) and it made me reflect back on a previous time (maybe less than a year ago) where I was equally surprised – although at that time I believed maybe I was a little daft.

There is a man – well lots, but one in particular who I’ll refer to as H – at the gym both C and I go to. I have spoken to him a 5/6 times before and C is fully aware of this. At first C was saying he was OK etc and the comments have begun to get slightly more negative each time I have mentioned H. I won’t say I am overly positive/enthusiastic about him and I don’t mention him at an inappropriate/insensitive time.

Anyway, H was at the gym and as usual we ended up talking – I would like to add we only ever really talk about fitness – and he came back over to me at the end of his workout and gave me his number saying that if I ever want to go training with someone just to let him know and if he’s free he’ll come along too. I thought nothing of it other than as a kind gesture as we both do similar exercises but H is more knowledgeable and experienced than me!

I left the number on the side when I got home thinking nothing of it really and I would never hide anything from C anyway. C obviously saw the name and number later on and made some remark about the fact I had his number which I said was true he had given it to me earlier. I chucked it away not long after that chat while clearing up before bed.

Today was maybe a bad day for C as he was maybe tired and a little under the weather but was clearly not happy about H giving me his number calling him something, well, unmentionable on here – despite it being one of my favorite words – and asking how I had managed to obtain his number. I responded politely as usual about the whole “if I need anyone to train with”…clearly unhappy C then disappeared back away from me.

I’ve heard nothing more on the subject regarding H and we have seen and eaten together since – I just find it quite bizarre. After he disappeared I did, however, remember a previous occasion. This was when a male, I’ll call T, contacted me asking if I wanted to go to some woods to take some pictures. It sounds dodgy but I really enjoy taking woodland/nature/abandoned building pictures and he does too. I often plaster them all over my sites so T would be aware of this. When I told C about this he felt that B clearly was interested in something further than just taking photos so sadly for B I never responded.

I don’t “flaunt” myself about, I’m pretty reserved, quiet and try to stay invisible so I can’t imagine that I give these men “the wrong idea” and on the same hand they are both aware I am with C (happily) and make no suggestions otherwise. I would never, on the same hand, “rub it in” to C about these offers by T or H. I don’t get it – am I naive? Is C just reading too much into things? Neither of us are particularly jealous but his behaviour does not seem how it would usually be…