Welcome to Reality

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I’ll keep this brief as it is quite personal to me, and still I feel an embarrassment to myself. Unfortunately, due to my nature I’m easily embarrassed and really quite critical of myself but this I feel is something I cannot be alone in feeling.

One evening I’d decided to make an effort in my appearance given I had (for once) been given the time! I de-haired myself, sorted out my hair and make up and put on my nice undies and shoes. I have a lovely wardrobe area off my bedroom which has full length mirrors and I thought I’d try and take some photos of myself as I can take as many as I want – I hate having my photo taken and even more so people taking photos of me.

I took photos at various angles thinking that some must be flattering enough to at least send to my long term fiance, he might even be surprised as this is so not me.

All I can say next is – OH MY GOD! I looked huge! I’m not huge, I know that and I can confirm that I do not do fad diets or anything silly either, I actually don’t really mind my size (only my distinct lack of boobs!) – I look pretty good in clothes. I was actually embarrassed and speechless by what was on my phone screen. Now I know why Page 3 models are so tiny – I would never show those photo’s to another living soul. I’ve kept them – not sure why – ¬†and I look at them occasionally now and feel just as awful as I did that first time I looked at them again.

Safe to say these will firmly stay a secret with me for a long time! Am I alone in this experience – I hope not!

Please go…everyone else said you would

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When I heard all the great “press” about how you could rid yourself of such awful feelings and thoughts and even “blow away the cobwebs” by going to the gym – I signed up. I am due to contact Trading Standards for mis-selling on a huge scale.

I feel just as negative and sarcastic as I always had, just a little bit (physically stronger) which may be handy if I ever need to calf press my way out of somewhere! Every one bangs on about how great and positive they feel focused. I, on the other hand, leave the gym tired, shaking, sweaty and dying for food. That to me does not sound positive and care-free but more like the whole birthing process – minus the pain relieving drugs, of course.

Am I missing something? Did I forget to take a compulsory happy pill in the changing room? Am I exercising wrong?

I cycle away for 20 minutes while having my ear drums blasted, after about 100 calories or 20 minutes – maybe then to “spice up” cardio I’ll do a little treadmill power walking or the stepper just so I can justify all the junk food I eat at every given opportunity. Then on with the weights. Legs, shoulders or arms? Maybe a little chest or a few crunches? I do go hard on the weights but while I’m pedaling/stepping/walking or taking a break in between sets all my problems are still there – looming and generally pee-ing me off. I was told that they would go away – I want my money back.

The weight increases and the reps go up sometimes but my poxy car loan is still there while I’m pulling stupid strain faces at the poor innocent man doing the shoulder press and we end up making uncomfortable eye contact. He’s not going to be scared of my face and offer to pay off my credit card if I promise never to pull that face again – or at least it hasn’t happened yet.

I would rather buy a lottery ticket and lay in bed that night dreaming on all the stuff I can pay off when I find out I’ve won the next day. Is it just my grumpy mindset? How do you see/feel the positive in the gym or exercise? At least I’d be financially better off if I cancelled my membership – might get myself another couple of lottery tickets…

Dear 2014…

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It’s time for everyone to forcefully think of at least one new years resolution giving none or one may result in disappointment by others and it placates people for them to say “oooh I wonder how long that will last…” – while I quietly think that it is just as well my resolution is not to stop being sarcastic because I’d be breaking that bad boy right now…

I must admit that I a real swearer, really quite appalling at times, but it makes me feel good and that is one thing that I will never willingly “promise” to stop. Sometimes I can’t make it out my room in the morning without muttering something highly inappropriate and thinking I’ll try again tomorrow…

I have been thinking of what I would like to do next year (not what I will do) and it’ll be a surprise for me if I am able to gratify any of them. I have managed to compulsively give up smoking and drinking (at separate times) with no real reason that I know of and also I go to the gym a lot which was also not a fazed or hyped up new years promise. I pretty proud of those random accomplishments although struggle to see results as a result of any one them but maybe that’s my personality and mind more than anything as I’m pretty kick ass now with the weights section!

1) Read a different book each month – I’m pretty up for this one. I like reading but often go through phases of power reading then I’m burnt out and cant bear a book for months on end. I only read non-fiction and some of the stuff I read is pretty deep and emotionally consuming. I haven’t read for months as the most recent book I read was may a little too depressing and got me feeling kind of down which sucks really. I still haven;t finished it and can;t really bare the thought of doing so but my mind says finish what you started and maybe that’s why my Kindle looks at me with puppy dog eyes every night. I struggle finding things to read too as I need to be sold it within the first few lines of the back of the book otherwise it’s cut and I’m moving on to the next book. I think I’ll put that in the “we’ll see” drawer in my head and maybe bank that another day…

2) Download (and use) one of those app’s and record my incomes/outgoings – I am a fraudsters dream – only completing my online banking to make my bills and trying my hardest not to look at or take in my balance. I have some nice things to show for my sad balance but in retrospect I think I like the balance more… I’ve looked at these apps and in principle they sound easy, great and clear. I’m sure after a couple of days I’ll start “saving” up receipts to “input” at the weekend, even that pack of chewing gum or can of Red Bull. All of those receipts will lead to an angry partner (C) who despises receipts and this will result in a receipt cull and me uninstalling the app without a second thought and I’ll still be none the wiser as to where my money has gone…but I’m sure it will have been on something great like hairbands because I left mine at home or some socks that I didn’t need but my gym clothes and socks don’t match.

3) Download (and use) an app for tracking gym progress and food intake – I’m already part on this one. Earlier in the year I was using Fitocracy every time and it was pretty addictive. Then I was ill and had to stop the gym for a while and I kind of felt a bit put off going back on as I had been bigging up with other members my gym love and loyalty. I’m sure they won’t judge me but as I write this I still haven’t been back on despite doing some new personal records recently (with the help of pre-work out). I have, however, been using MyFitnessPal which is an excellent diet/food and exercise app. It’s easy clear and does what it should do without me wanting to cry and uninstall in the haste of an emotional turmoil after deleting a days work! I guess I shouldn’t have started until January 2014 but I guess I can just keep these few days before a secret – I’d hate people to think I’ve cheated my way out of a resolution. I don;t think it is unrealistic of me to get back on these apps as I’m half doing it and I’ve done the other half before!

4) Photograph my body at the three main angles (front, side & back) every fortnight – this is not for some weird sexual desire (at this point) but as I briefly mentioned above I work my ass on in the gym and I just can’t see the results on myself. Despite people positively commenting and the weight going up. I want to kind of be able to do those cheesey “before & after” pictures but mine are through my solid gym determination and not some new diet pill for “red apple” or “purple banana”. I don’t know what I want to achieve from going to the gym. Maybe that was a lie, I want to eat as much as I can (especially cheese) and have an amazing arse! I don’t want a six pack which is just as well as I am more likely to grow testicles than I am to diet! This is something I feel is sustainable as long as C is happy to do the pictures as I cringe at the thought of those “selfie” style shots.

5) Take a photo every day – not an inane one of what glasses I am wearing or what colour bra I have on but one that sums up something good from that day. I like this idea but when I’m grumpy I’m just too stubborn to not be grumpy all that day which may secretly and unknowingly ruin this for me. I also don;t know where I’ll store them or post them. I could try Tumblr again but I would rather use that account for my strange love of manly men, feminine females, abandoned buildings, tattoos and bunny rabbits – don’t judge me – I’m just appreciating what nature gives us. May be this one needs more thought but in principal would sound like a great resolution.

My closing question is what would you like to say you 2014 resolution(s) is/are and also use evidence to justify why you’ll bank it for next year…?

Mustn’t Move

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So I rent out some rooms in the house I live in. I like to tell myself it’s great and it helps out with the bills and everything but actually I don’t know that it is that great.

One in particular cooks a lot, makes most of his food from scratch. He’s intelligent and speaks posh and I never know what he thinks or where I stand with him. However, as a result of his incessant cooking he really pisses me off. It makes me feel like it’s his kitchen so I feel an inconvenience in my own kitchen. I sit on the sofa listening to him cook with every known electric implement in use sucking into my bank account and pissing me off.

I feel like I can’t go in there or do what I want in the utility or dining room because he’s cooking. I get feelings that he might be watching and judging whatever the hell it is I want to do. As such I’ve had the same microwaveable korma two nights in a row and sat eating it in the lounge out of his sight.

What’s that all about! Posh twat! It’s incredibly frustrating feeling helpless and unable to roam free in my own house. He’s so damn noisy too I have to keep turning the TV up to listen to whatever shite it is I have on. I want to shut the doors on him or tell him to STFU!

Incredibly what irritates me most is all the lights and appliances left on putting more and more money into the electricity company’s pocket.

The doors in my house are like fire doors and close unless wedged open. The chef mentioned above seems to have satisfaction in leaving them to close on their own. That slamming noise that he makes behind himself makes me want to kick the door in.

Why do people have to make so much noise? There is not much else in this world that I love more than silence. I feel like I can breathe when there is silence. I feel like there is no conflicts (like if you have your phone ringing, radio playing and TV on all ay once) kind of conflict. Silence is a beautiful thing – dangerous too though as my thoughts aren’t always safe either.